Wednesday, March 08, 2006

I stand accused...


of being a 'sleepspoofer'? Apparently I am the world's greatest liar about being awake.
This, I feel, is a bit harsh. It is true that I do not like getting up in the morning. I'm fine once I'm up and clutching my coffee, and it is true that I'm not naturally a springer out of bed... but a sleepspoofer?
Demanding clarification I was informed that I, Fatmammycat, say things like 'I"m awwwaaakkkeee' and 'Commmingggg!' and 'I"m uuupppp!' in a variety of jolly voices when in fact I am no such thing. It is claimed that sometimes I sit on the side of the bed when watched, only to collapse sideway and roll back under the duvet the moment the watcher's back is turned. Cats were accused of adding and abetting this behaviour, by somehow trapping me inside the duvet. I was informed I don't sleep, I slip into a coma and that I try my damndest to remain in said coma no matter what the hour.
I am shocked.
And yet...this morning I got up and dressed and was seated at my desk staring at my computer. The screen was dark grey and appeared in jigsaw pieces. I cursed, thinking some virus had attacked my system over night. It was only when a blue whale on the screen called John started to clear the pieces away with his tail that I realised I was still asleep.
Sleepspoofer, no, awakespoofer might be more apt.

25 Comments:

Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I believe this is quite common: you are guilty about being asleep so you dream you are awake. You'd stop doing it if you had a pet lion rather than a pet cat. Dreaming you are awake when a lion is prowling about is something your brain will not permit.

10:00 a.m.  
Blogger the anti-barney said...

Maybe Fmc.,but why post a picture of Mary Harney?

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Good morning GB. I believe you, a lion lolling about on the bed would worry me some.
Oh Barney, poor old Marney, she comes in for a lot of flack does she not, the great behemoth.
I am having an excellent morning chaps, dreams aside, I just blew 95 quid on a pair of Levis, guilt free because the old Paramour-being a man of principle and good arms- did not welsh on his bet and did indeed part with the 100 Euro he lost on his bet. They were not crips twenties however, but two fifties. I was magnanimous none the less. And that still leaves me with a fiver to buy a drink when I am watching the footie tonight. Huzzah!

12:39 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Do they have a, choke, button fly?
Ignore that. I don't get out enough.
Up the Arsenal!

8:05 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is half time, fucking Reyes hit the post. Hleb, great dribbler, but Jesus man, stop giving the ball away! Roberto Carlos, you fat basssstttiiiddd.... I am a most of a bottle of bottle of wine to the good!!! Second half about to start...

8:45 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Leeemmmmaaahhhhnnnnnnnnnn!!!! What a save! What a save, best nil-nil game I ever saw, passion, commitment, drive tired legs, heart. Cuuuummmmooonnn!
Ciao, off out now for more booze.
Ciao ciao. xxxxxx

9:41 p.m.  
Blogger Desargues said...

I presume they're Levi's Premium, aren't they, FMC? Atta girl! I like people who know their jeans. Now, these aren't bad either:

http://www.diesel.com/denimguide/ss06/

Have a look at the Ronhar cut. The name is bizarre (some moron at Diesel's thought this may be the new hip), but they're seecsaay.

Or you can have the paramour lose couple more bets like that and get yourself a pair of Roberto Cavallis. About a dozen bets, to be precise.

5:52 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I love Diesel and own quite a few pairs, the age superbly, these new Levis are..hold on...752 boot cut. Softest denim I have ever rubbed by cheek against. I think old Paramour might have cottened on to the 'Want to bet on it?' line by now. Damn it.

8:22 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

95 Euros/£60 on a pair of jeans?

Can't imagine it. My wife managed to find me a pair at M&S the other day for ony £9. Bargain of the day.

Mind you I've never been accused of being a fashion leader.

"Middle-aged practical" - is that a style?

8:26 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Jesus, I better not mention how much I spent on a pair Of Paul Costello trousers in Decmber so.
But seriously, it depends on what you're after. Don't get me wrong Kim, I am just as liable to poodle about in H&M jeans too. But I do like these and it wasn't really my money, so as I said, guilt free shopping.
I don't mind spending a decent amount of money on something I am going to wear until it falls off me. What I hate is to buy something, wear it once or twice and then never wear it again, that is pointless and I don't really do it. I like good footwear and good well cut trousers or Jeans.
I have a pair of Levis in my wardrobe that I paid 70 POUNDS for six years ago, a fortune at the time. But I still wear them, so was it money well spent, you betcha.

8:49 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Silly, FMC, you could have bought 6 pairs of M&S jeans and had enough left for a three pack of nylon briefs.

11:16 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

How would you know? Crusty.

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Because Kim Ayres said one pair of jeans costs £9. So 6x£9 = £54 leaving FMC a whole £6.

Now, if a pair of jeans costs £9 it's surely not beyond the realms of possibility that a 3 pack of nylon briefs could be purchased with that £6.

I'm surprised you needed me to work that out for you, Doc, but if there are any other mathematical/clothing problems you need help with you be sure to ask now..

12:30 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

GAP jeans are the bollocks. They're stylish, comfortable and they say 'I'm too knowing and cool to wear Diesel'.

12:54 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

hark at her!

12:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm thinking I might need new boots to go with these jeans...
Oh, somewhere about half a mile a way a sales person just shivered.

1:00 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

Sorry, misspelled 'cool' there. I meant 'broke'.

1:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And yet you can afford to drink a litre of Nescafe Gold Blend in a single sitting... You are not from Cavan are you, they're always complaining about being poor too.

1:23 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

I spend so much money on coffee I don't have much left for jeans.

1:52 p.m.  
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